I'm sorry my penis didn't work
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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