i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
