I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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