I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
