My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
