I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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