just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
