I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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