Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
