my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
