I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
