I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
