She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
