Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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