can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
