Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
