im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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