Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there's paper in my vomit.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You have to summon your inner elephant
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Randomize
