I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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