Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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