Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
