Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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