yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
