just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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