Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
