I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
