all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dicks are not precious.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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