okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
