next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
