Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
