She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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