i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
