I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
