I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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