i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
