I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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