My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
