when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize