I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
