I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
