I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
