Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
