YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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