I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
