Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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