He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
