My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
