is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
