I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
