i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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