If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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