So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
