There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
